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I’m going on vacation in two weeks. I know this not because I’ve been anxiously looking forward to it, or because I have it marked on my calendar. I know this because yesterday my girlfriend, Michele, announced to me that she has officially started packing.
For Michele, packing is a multi-week event, involving five precise steps.
Step One: Take Inventory.
A packing journey with Michele always begins with her taking out every piece of summer clothing she owns and carefully laying it out on the floor. Only then can she realize that she hates everything in her current wardrobe — it’s either dated, she wore it on her last vacation so wearing it again is out of the question, or she never liked it since the day she originally bought it. Which conveniently leads us to…
Step Two: Go shopping immediately!
In the days that follow Michele quickly acquires numerous new outfits. But the difficult part for her still lies ahead — deciding what to actually pack. Since we’re going away for three nights, she’ll need at least 10 outfits, three for daytime, three for nighttime. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Three plus three totals only six outfits. Your math isn’t wrong. The additional outfits are to give Michele “options” because deciding what to wear before she gets to the resort is a totally ridiculous idea.
Step Three: Choose the Right Luggage.
Michele’s large suitcase would comfortably hold all of her clothes, but it’s always deemed to be “too big.” She’ll opt for a smaller one. The overflow can remain on hangers which I can then schlep to the car and lay across the back seat. Numerous trips will be required. It’s nice to feel needed.
Step Four: Shoes.
To compliment her new wardrobe Michele will need to pack some shoes, and lots of them. Dress shoes, walking shoes, shoes for the beach, open toed shoes, shoes in case it rains and comfortable shoes because most of the shoes listed above hurt her feet after wearing them for 10 minutes. There will also be a pair or two of sneakers and some mules, whatever they are.
A separate large duffle bag will be required just for shoes.
Step Five: Cosmetics.
Cosmetics is a bit of a misnomer. Besides makeup and suntan lotion, Michele’s cosmetic bag also contains every known over-the-counter medication available. You would think we were headed to a remote area of the Congo, where medical supplies are scarce, instead of a resort town where there is a CVS right across the street from the Walgreens.
Though smaller than the shoe bag, the cosmetic carrier is infinitely heavier. Over the years this bag has crippled numerous hotel bellmen attempting to lift it.
As for me, I’ll begin packing about an hour before we’re scheduled to leave; one pair of shorts, one pair of khakis and the same three shirts I’ve worn on vacation for the last 10 years. In a pinch, my luggage could be one of those plastic bags you used to get at the supermarket.
The fact that I am able to pack this way drives Michele crazy. She thinks I need professional help, and some new shirts.
So, in a scant few days we’ll be off to the relaxing Jersey shore. If you happen to be on the Garden State Parkway, look for me. I’ll be in the white Sonata with an over-loaded trunk low to the ground and a back window filled with clothes piled so high across my car’s back seats, seeing out my rearview mirror will be all but impossible.
I need a vacation.
Ficarra is a freelance writer.
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